i love all you guys not in a kinky way. i thank you all for taking the time to talk to me about your problems and giving me a chance to get mine out there. i feel better than i did and i hope to se you all tonight at dinner.

 

tis cool guy.. look forward to hangin out tonight.. its rare to find a group of peopel like this..

 

Wow - I just found out that one of my American Uncles in dying - my moms half brother. See - my mom and little brother are having citizenship difficulties too and that makes it hard for them to plan a trip to FLA to see him before he passes.

I wont be going to see him. Everybody tells me someday Ill regret treating death in my family like this - but its the one thing I CANNOT DEAL WITH let alone even accept anymore. My Babushka passes recently as did my favorite Uncle on my dads side - Uncle Mickey (Micheal).

See my Father is a Doctor of Horticulture - you know PH.D. and all that jazz. Hes been doing this his whole life. To keep things safe he and my mother and little brother moved to GA. My Father who has been doing the plant thing his whole life had to take any job he could find in a safe area to support my family - since they had to waste all of their money on lawyers and such. So...he works for Eaton - you know superchargers. Yeah sounds cool but how would you like to be Dr. Dennis working on an assembly line? It hurts me SO MUCH TO SEE THEM GOING THROUGH THIS. They can barely get by in the tiny little old little house they rent without help from John and I - which niether of us mind but it HAS TO KILL MY FATHERS PRIDE...and God that kills me.

My little brother is at the age in High School where everybody has a car and nice things - and he goes without ANY of that...

...and my mother - my angel the goddess in my life does everything she can to hold the family together while she herself is the most depressed out of all of them. Shell call me crying and I dont know what to say. I act like Im happy so she can hold her head up about something and then we get off the phone and Ill just cry for hours.

I was supposed to drive up and get my little brother this summer - you know show him a good time for a week or two - but Johns car broke and now we are down to one car. My little brother is young and understandably hurt that I CANNOT MAKE THIS WORK. God I would do anything to see him and try to put a little bit of light in his life.

I cant do anything about this - but I cant make it stop hurting. What am I supposed to do? They are all I think about any more...

 

i am all to familiar with the hurt life can bring. i lost my mother to cancer when i was 10 years old. i cant even tell you how much it hurt me and my whole family. i can still remember the night my dad told me and my sister and brother that my mom was not going to make it. that night haughts me still to this day and it has been over 11 years. after i lost my mother death came upon my whole family like the fucking plague. i lost my auant to cancer my uncle to a heart attack my grandmother to cancer and deceber 2000 my good friends dad was killed in a bad accident and when i got back from his funeral i found out my cousin who was only 20 died in a freak car accident. his funeral was on christmas eve.a week ago i found out my cousin found a cancerous lump on his hip and he is only 34. if loosing the people you love isnt bad enough...i have had to deal with my dads wife gwen who is the craziest heartless woman on the planet for the past 8 years. i was forced to move out of my house against my dads will b/c of this horrible woman. it is amazing b/c my entire life i have thought why in the hell have me and my family had to go through so much. all of my close friends through out my life never lost anyone close to them and had normal lives. this is actually the first time i have been friends with people who have suffered similar problems in life. this may come out the wrong way...but it makes me feel better that other people have suffered as i have. i guess i have always felt i was so alone in my torment but im not alone. i am really thankful for the friends i have.

here is a poem that i have had since my mom died and it has always given me comfort.

safely home

i am home in heaven dear ones;
oh so happy and so bright!
there is perfect joy and beauty
in this ever lasting light.

all the pain a grief is over
every restless tossing passed;
i am now in peace forever
safely home in heaven at last.

did you wonder i so calmly
trod the valley of the shade?
oh! but jesus love illumined
every dark and fearful glade.

and he came himself to meet me
in that way so hard to tread;
and on jesus arm to lean on
could i have one doubt or dread?

then you must not grieve so sorely
for i love you dearly still:
try to look beyond earths shadows
pray to trust our fathers will.

there is work still waiting for you
so you must not idly stand;
do it now while life remaineth-
you shall rest in jesus land.

when that work is all completed
he will gently call you home;
oh the rapture of that meeting
oh the joy to see you come