Alan

An interesting topic came about while having dinner with Jenny this evening:

We have been tossing around the idea of an engagement ring, and I told her that I needed to live with her first...blah blah blah blah. Then came the question..."Do I come before your job/career?".

Quite frankly, I didn't have an answer for her. We love each other very much, and she puts me before practically everything in her life. I, however, cannot say the same. For me, career comes first and everthing else follows. At most, I would say Jenny and my career are equal. Career pays the bills and opens up the opportunity for greater things in life in the future...then again, so does my relationship.

So now she is all upset and shocked that she doesn't come first in my life. I'm really at a loss for words. For the life of me, I cannot explain my reasoning for how I feel. I want a great career, and I also want to continue to better things with Jenny. She can't understand that my focus on my career is of uber importance to me. I'm willing to sacrifice practically everything for my career, but I have a hard time doing the same thing for a relationship.

Anyone here deal with a similar situation?

accord95

yes

i want to retire from the military. i'll have more time for college and so will my wife. great invironment to raise kids(in my opinion). i new i wanted to go back into the military as soon as i got out. honestly i got out because i thought i would be single the rest of my life. now im married so im ready to go back in. i thought it was going to be hard to find a person who would not mind me joining the military but i got lucky. and i dont know what i would have done if she didnt want to go, it would be a really hard choice. luckily she sees more pros in joining the military. like she'll be able to stay home with the kids she wants to start having. only bad thing is we will be taking a serious income loss. but i can deal with that.

just tell her that if she was really putting YOU first, then she would realize the importance of your dreams and goals and that you realize the same about her. tell her you will try your best to find a happy medium were both your goals and love can be satisfied together. dont give her a yes or no, just tell her you will do your best to make both work, and that you love her.

damn, i give good advice too bad i cant think of this shit when i really need to say it.

Joe

Many women ask this and expect the 'yes you come first in everything answer' but her real problem is that she is asking the question in the wrong way.

She needs to look at it and ask it like this...

"Will you be willing to drop your job/career if the need arose in order to better provide for me/family?"

The way she asked the question was wrong.

If she is concerned about the whole... the job is taking to much of your time thing, then it is covered in that question... the 'provide' covers the general things other then money.

If she just desires to hear that she rules your world... then she is not ready to get married. Ask her if she cares about wether you are happy in your work while providing for her. It's not just about money... its the full picture.

Women need to feel like you will truly drop everything if the need arose to provide for her.

craig_302

She should want to see you sucessful and content in your career as well as being happy with her. Not one or the other. She is forcing you to choose by saying what she said. You should be happy with all aspects of your life and not forced to pick and choose at someone's command. A truely understanding life partner should want to see you succede and rise to the top of your field and not drop your dreams like they are unimportant. I am sure there is a way for both you and her to be a success without the absolute choice of one or another. My immediate counter would have been throwing the question right back at her. But then again, it would have backfired as the socital standard for males has always been the "provider." On a lighter note, you can tell her that you will play "house wife" if she pulls down 100k a year so you won't be burnened with a career and can devote 100% of your time to her while she follows her dreams.

craig_302

Toss kids into the equasion that John stated and damn...even worse x eleventy billion. Bottom line is that if she is as committed to you as she says she is/you think she is, she will help you help yourself, not force choices like that.

HybridSS

Dummy...dont you know your just supposed to tell them what they want to hear

This could have all been avoided and she would be even more head over heels for you

shalane

so can you say thats what you always did?

HybridSS

Not always...only when the situation warranted it.