Funny Army Story
*Big Schpellar*
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Funny Army Story
For those of us who have "endured" Meals-Ready To Eat (MRE's) and for anyone who
has ever heard of them and wondered what they were like, this is a classic:
ARMY RANGER DATE
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl
asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on
something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when
eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of
the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of
dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/re hydrated rice. I cooked the Ham
Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to
make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some
spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the
oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of
yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like
Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey,
if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of
cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred
it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled
powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
(yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35
per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry
flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with
sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand
from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table
with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is fucking
EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the
alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food,
and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me
how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing
or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I
had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four
glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with
delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay...
yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom.
While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a
resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange
scent. Yup. The Army even makes smell good) and returned to the couch, this time
with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom
for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???,"
as she again send flatulent shock waves into the porcelain bowl.
This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead
of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of
rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and
FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that
tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO
sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't
believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she
finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed
it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE
bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food"
she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000
calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she
grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 3 days, and when she
finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the
hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high
caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the
first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by
it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.
has ever heard of them and wondered what they were like, this is a classic:
ARMY RANGER DATE
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl
asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on
something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when
eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of
the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of
dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/re hydrated rice. I cooked the Ham
Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to
make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some
spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the
oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of
yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like
Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey,
if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of
cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred
it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled
powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
(yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35
per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry
flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with
sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand
from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table
with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is fucking
EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the
alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food,
and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me
how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing
or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I
had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four
glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with
delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay...
yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom.
While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a
resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange
scent. Yup. The Army even makes smell good) and returned to the couch, this time
with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom
for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???,"
as she again send flatulent shock waves into the porcelain bowl.
This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead
of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of
rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and
FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that
tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO
sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't
believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she
finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed
it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE
bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food"
she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000
calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she
grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 3 days, and when she
finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the
hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high
caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the
first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by
it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.
__________________
Oh my god. Soo funny. Do you like this girl, or did you just want to mess with her? Next time make salmon.
*Big Schpellar*
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you have to be in the army to understand i guess.... this is a revolving story that every one try`s to pawn off as their own. but i think this was really created like 15 years ago.
i copied and pasted it, but i have fed chicks MRE`s befor. and like 3-4 days later i tell em that they ate 20,000 calories
i copied and pasted it, but i have fed chicks MRE`s befor. and like 3-4 days later i tell em that they ate 20,000 calories
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Last edited by BrewPuBeaver; 09-15-2005 at 10:57 AM.
*Big Schpellar*
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dates are for suckers, to much money these days. thats why you want to go for the older women. they pay for everything and you know that all they want to do is use you.
__________________
Would probably be easier to just state it's effective half life. 
but God it was funny!
