and what reeally sucks is it affects EVERYTHING. Not just trying to eat, I chew my nails like a motherfucker, I have no interest in porn, video games, fun, etc. All I do is sink into worlds of epic battles. Its psuedo-embarassing. But I can't hide it, its what happens to me. I find sanctity in armageddon. The final battle between good and evil. I have known sine I was knee high to a grasshopper I have to serve at least one TOE in the US military, and I start thinking. I wonder if maybe re-incarnation is real. I have always had an obsession with everything WWII. I have a couple if USGI small arms and a couple of Nazi sidearms. I collect propaganda posters and ads and other militaria. So I wonder if those re-incarnation beliefs are real. Perhaps in my former life I died in a WWII battlefield and my spirit still has yet to accept it. I know I prolly sound ridiculously stupid, but I still have to wonder. Is it foreshadowing? Is there really a thing as fate and destiny or do we make our own paths? Will I join the military and die in some foreign land? Will I join the military and never see so much as a skirmish? Since my freshman year in high school I have been trying to figure this out. I have hidden it away since about 2-3 months ago when I finally seeked help. Now I see a physician and a psychiatrist regularly. The medication has helped tremendously but there is still some problems.

I'd like to think they can be solved easily. All I need to do is find the other half of myself and fill the void in my life. Is that the key? Or can it not be until I'm happy in my own shoes? I constantly force myself to be alone and I thrive on it, but I hate it. I hate it sooo much, but again, it has become a part of me. Like I said, I've made great strides lately, but there is still a ways to go. One thing I have found out is talkking helps tremendously. Posting this has opened up a part that not many people know and istead of feeling embarrassed or ashamed I feel better. Everyone in here is cool and I trust to be non-judgemental. Tom, I feel you ... I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone.