60 Amusing Clients From Hell Quotes
60 Amusing Clients From Hell Quotes
Since I'm more of a designer than a photographer now a days, I may find these a little more amusing than some of you. Regardless, most of us are freelancers dealing with clients, and I'm sure you'll find these to be some what entertaining.
Enjoy.
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“You mean every time you do work for us, you charge us?”
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Me: “Worst case scenario, you can just email the text in the body of an email.”
Client: ”I will print, scan to pdf and resend via email shortly.”
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“We need to talk about these alleged “invoices”
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“Can we have gold on our website, or will that cost us more?”
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Me: You don’t have a copy of the logo?
Client: No. I dunno. We lost it.
Me: Ok, then try contacting the designer who made your logo for you. I’m sure he won’t mind sending you another copy.
Client: No, no, we can’t let him know how to reach us.
Me: What? Why not?
Client: Because then we’d have to pay him!
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Me: “Have you had time to look over the proposal?”
Client: “We really like your illustration style, very artsy. But, we don’t feel you can put a price on art. So can you do it for free?”
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“We like this guy a lot. He’s perfect for the brochure. Can you make him African American?”
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“When the hell did a contract become somebig, official thing? It’s just a damn piece of paper!”
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“I keep looking at this website and it just isn’t blowing my skirt up for some reason. Can’t really explain why. Let’s start over.”
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“Why the heck should I pay for the domain of my company’s website? I own the company and I came up with the name!”
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“Just spray your creative juices all over it!”
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“Make it so when a shared_user clicks a link it disappears from the site so they know they already visited that page.”
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[Client flipping through some anime that I had drawn.]
Client: “These are really great.”
Me: “Would you like me to draw some anime for the site?”
Client: “What!? This isn’t a porn site!”
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“Please send me a reasonable estimate.”
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“I want something like Facebook. And don’t try to rip me off, I know that Facebook is free”
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“Please stop abbreviating “continue” to “cont.” It looks too much like “cunt.” Thanks.”
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“These stock images are way too expensive, please just remove the watermarks in Photoshop.”
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“I’ve made the site myself in Powerpoint and exported it to HTML. Could you convert it to Joomla?”
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Client: “Sometimes the cursor on our site is the standard arrow, and sometimes it is a hand.”
Me: “Yes, the hand appears when you mouseover a link.”
Client: “Well, we’ve discussed it, and we’ve decided that we’d like it to always be the hand.”
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[Client sent me some complex logos (as JPEGs) in order to vectorize them.]
Client: “What exactly is taking so long? If I knew it would take so long, I’d have done it myself.”
Me: “Vectorizing the logos takes some time because—”
Client: “Time? Renaming files from *.jpg to *.eps takes time?!”
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“I want a website that pops-up on peoples GPS systems when they drive by my store. Let’s take a range of 5km.”
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Client: “What’s my username?”
Me: “It’s your first name, a space and then your last name.”
Client: ”How am I supposed to remember that?”
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“The problem with you college students is that you always expect to get paid for the work that you do.”
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“How can I send my newsletter to customers who didn’t check “I want to receive the newsletter” ?”
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Me: “OK, let’s start by opening your web browser.”
Client: “Web browser? Oh, you mean Internet Explorer?”
Me: “Sure, that’ll work. Now you’re going to click on the web address window at the top of your browser and type in…”
Client: “Wait, wait, slow down. What do you mean by click?”
Me: “… like, click with your mouse button.”
Client: “Mouse button? What? Man, this is really confusing.”
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Client: “The website you designed looks great but my partner is here and she’s looking at it from across the room and it’s a bit difficult to read.”
Me: “From across the room?”
Client: “It looks better from across the table, but go ahead and take a look at what you can do to fix the issue.”
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My first phone conversation with a new client:
Client: ”I love your rough concept! And your estimate’s very reasonable, too — oh, I’m so glad I found you. I’ll be the best client ever, I promise!”
Me: ”Great! Glad you like it.”
Client: ”Do you want to have babies?”
Me: “Pardon?”
Client: ”A friend of mine’s single, she’s super cute and I think you’d get along great. She’s into art and stuff like you are. And she seriously wants kids. I can hook you guys up, seriously!”
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”We really love your portfolio and have decided to add you to our shortlist for the project. Please provide us with three logo concepts for next year’s release and three complete designs for the new model. Each design is to come with three different colour combinations too. Once we get everyone’s ideas, we’ll decide who we want to hire for the job.”
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Me: “Now, double-click on the little icon that says Internet Explorer.”
Client: “I can’t do that. I’m Christian. I don’t believe in icons.”
Me: “Fine then. Double-click on the little image that says Internet Explorer.”
Client: “Okay.”
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”It’s a poo fetish website. But it needs to be classy.”
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”I want you to design me something that will make people horny when they look at it.”
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Me: “Okay, so here are some rough concepts I’ve worked up. Once you’ve -“
Client (interrupting): “What the hell am I looking at? These look like scribbles my five-year-old could do.”
Me: “Oh, they’re just roughs to get the concept figured out, once we have that done I’ll begin work on the finished piece.”
Client: “How am I supposed to decide which illustration I like if I can’t see them all finished. Finish them and then I’ll decide which one to use.”
Me: “Well, I can certainly do that, but just so you’re aware, I will have to raise my fees to cover the cost of bringing each of these concepts to a finish.”
Client: “Who do you think you are to make demands?! I’m the client, I get to make the demands! It’s not like this is a real job anyway, all you’re doing is drawing.”
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Client: ”The site is looking great! However, I’m a bit confused. I thought you said the design was done.”
Me: ”Yep, the ‘visual’ design is complete. Was there something bothering you about it?”
Client: ”Oh no! The design is great, everyone loves it! However, it doesn’t seem to be finished. There are a bunch of pages that look wrong.”
Me: ”How so? Could you show me?”
[The client proceeds to click through his site and eventually comes to an external link that takes the shared_user to Amazon.com]
Client: ”This page looks nothing like our site.”
Me: ”[somewhat confused] That’s because it’s not your site.”
Client: ”But we just got here from our site. Can’t you make it look like ours?”
Me: ”I’m afraid not. That would be like walking over to your neighbor’s home and re-landscaping their yard and painting their house to match your own.”
Client: ”Oh…well that sucks.”
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Client: ”How much do you charge to install Windows on a computer?”
Me: “$85”
Client: ”Is it going to be legal?”
Me: ”Yes.”
Client: “How much do you charge for a pirated copy?”
Me: ”$10,000 or 10 years in prison.”
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”It’s kinda the same idea as facebook, with functionality more like Twitter, but with the innovation of Microsoft.”
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”It’s not clear what the shared_user should do with the check box.”
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While developing an affiliate website for one of our mobile network clients, my employer came over and reviewed the site we were building.
Boss: “I think we need to have some sort of avatar on the home page, to welcome the users to the site.”
Me: “Okay, no problem. Was there anything you had in mind?”
Boss: “Well since sex sells, I would like to have a slim, sexy cartoon woman holding a mobile phone.”
[I proceeded to create this sexy avatar.]
Me: “I’ve finished the avatar. Was this what you were after?”
Boss: “That’s nice but it’s not what I was after.”
Me: “Okay. What are you looking for then?”
[My Boss then loaded up his internet browser and Google searched an image of a small, chubby, animated duck holding a mobile phone.]
Me: “I thought you wanted a sexy woman?”
Boss: “I do.”
Me: “So you want a cross between a sexy woman and a fat, yellow duck?”
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Me: “Did you get the files I sent you?”
Client: “Yes, but they were huge!”
Me: “The files I sent you were well under the limit of something you could email.”
Client: “They were 122 mega bitmaps each.”
Me: ”They were both a little over 1MB, which is a fairly small file.”
Client: “I don’t care how many megabytes they were. It’s all thosebitmaps that are bringing my computer to its knees!”
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Me: “Well sir, the total for your new logo, business cards and menu designs is $350.”
Client: “Are you kidding me? The reason I chose a student designer was to get something cheap, plus help you out for your portfolio. I could have went to a professional and paid much less.”
Me: “Um, that’s not true. I spent a lot of time dealing with your daughter who insisted on multiple revisions to the logo, and you ended up with a look that everyone is pleased with. This same project might have cost you 10 times the amount I’m charging you. I think it’s a great deal.”
Client: “I highly doubt that. It’s just words and colors. Plus, our satisfaction has nothing to do with the amount we pay you. I’ll send you a check for what I think is fair.”
I got a check for 100 bucks. With “here you go asshole” written in the memo.
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Client: “This fax machine isn’t working properly.”
Me: “How so?”
Client: “Every time I put the paper in the one side and press ‘Send’ it comes right out the other side.”
Me: “How do you mean?”
Client: “Well, it’s not sending.”
Me: “Well, it doesn’t actually send the physical page, just a digital representation of it, like a picture.”
Client: “Isn’t that why it comes out all curled up?”
Me: “It’s magic.”
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Client: “What is going on with my website? It looks all wrong!”
Me: “It was working just fine yesterday, let’s take a look.”
Us: “Let’s take a look… (We download a page, check out the code). Well, it looks as if someone’s gone in and deleted some of the code that makes the site work.”
Client: “Yeah, that was me, I was getting rid of some of your unnecessary code… why isn’t the site working?”
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”I don’t want to print my brochure in CMYK, because it is more expensive and has one color more than RGB, so print it in RGB and I will save some money.”
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Me: “If you could send me a check or use Paypal, that’d be great.”
Client: “Well, I don’t really trust Paypal or like mailing checks out. Can you come pick it up in person?”
Me: “We’re 4 states apart and it’s a 12 hour drive…”
Client: “It’s a nice drive though! You’ll like it, I promise. See you tomorrow!”
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Boss charges into my office furiously, two days after the company site goes live.
Boss: “Carl just showed me that people can right-click our site and view all our code.”
Me: “Well, yes, that’s how web browsers work.”
Boss: “Take the whole thing down, now! I’ll be damned if I’m going to give our competitors all our god-damn code!”
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Client: “I want a way to track all the people that come to my site. Names, addresses, telephone numbers and cell phone.”
Us: “Well, there are some tools to capture visitor information but not to that level unless the viewer supplies that to you. They would have to register at the site and that kills page views.”
Client: “I don’t know why this is so fucking hard! You are the 5th firm to tell us that! Its fucking 2009, can’t anyone make the internet work right?”
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Client: “We want out home page to be very minimalistic. We like lots of white space, and only the most important elements. It should look like Google – basically, a logo and one or two other important things.”
Me: “Great! In that case, what would you consider to be the one or two most important things?”
Client: “Rotating article carousel, dropdown menus, power search, forum list, latest forum posts, member sign-up, news ticker, event countdown, testimonials, featured VIP member, RSS news feed, and four blocks of advertising.”
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Me: “Good afternoon, we’ve noticed that you haven’t paid the entire amount due on your bill.”
Client: ”We haven’t received an invoice.”
Me: ”Then how did a check show up with the invoice number on it in the memo field? We appreciate the timely payment, but it’s about 75 dollars short of the payment due.”
Client: ”You know this is a church group right? We don’t have to pay taxes, and you realize you go to hell for lying, right?”
Me: ”Well if you check the invoice, there is no sales tax applied, but you realize you go to hell for theft too, correct?”
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Designed a simple web banner for their etsy shop and a few days later…
Client: “The banner looks terrible its all fuzzy and you cant read it.”
Me: “Thats odd because Im looking at your etsy shop now and it looks great.”
Client: ”No not that one, I also had it printed into a 1.5 meter long banner to hang over my stall at the market. Looks horrible!”
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Client: I know you creative guys sometimes need “inspiration.” I really want my project to go well so I will get you the kind of inspiration you need, OK? Free of charge.
[It was revealed later in the meeting that he was suggesting that he would supply our designers with marijuana.]
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Client: “How come all the photos I took have the heads cut off?”
Me: “Hmm, Did you look though the view finder when you took them?”
Client: “I don’t know what that is. Can’t you just move the picture up so I can see their heads? I mean they’re digital pictures?”
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Client: I showed this logo to my daughter and she didn’t like it.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Client: Five.
Me: But your target audience is recovering drug addicts.
Client: Right.
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Client: “That’s way too much money to charge for an email campaign. It’s not hard to put a few graphics in an email.”
Me: “I charge based off of my regular hourly rate and that’s how long it will take to complete the project.”
Client: “Forget it. We’ll just do it in house. We have a copy of Dreamweaver.”
[Phone call 2 weeks later]
Client: “Can you talk for a second?”
Me: “Sure.”
Client: “OK. We made that email campaign, but I can’t figure out why all of the links take me to the unsubscribe page.”
Me: “I’m not sure. Is this a test email you’re talking about? I can finish the project for you based on my hourly rate.”
Client: “Well…no. We already sent it.”
The client sent an email campaign to a list of 74,000 customers with every link in the email being a one-click unsubscribe.
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Client: “I decided I want one of the illustrations you already did for my logo and I am going to use it for the background on my checks.”
Me: “A logo is usually a simple graphic used to represent your business, in your case, the book series and characters. The illustrations are a bit too detailed for that purpose. How about I simplify the characters and series title and create a logo?”
Client: “Why can’t you just shrink the picture down to the size of the check?”
Me: “The artwork is 12” square and proportionally will not work in a rectangle.”
Client: “Wait, hold on… you know I don’t understand you when you use those technical terms.”
Me: “By proportionally I mean…”
Client: “No not that word, the other one you said. It won’t work in a what?”
Me: “Rectangle?”
Client: “Yes.”
Me: “Um, a rectangle is the shape of your checkbook.”
Client: “Oh ok.”
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Client: ”I would like to commission you to draw a cover for my bands first album, and it goes on sale in September.”
Me: ”Congratulations, so what would you like for the cover?”
Client: “Something midevily, like a dragon and a woman wizard fighting, but in the night sky, and there like fighting a dwarf in a mech suit, like a Gundam. And make the moon in the sky on fire. That would be cool.”
Me: ”That seems like it would be an eye sore to me…”
Client: ”No, this idea would reflect our music perfectly, we agreed, and it’ll deffinitely get people to buy our stuff.”
Me: ”So what kind of music do you guys do?”
Client: ”Country.”
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Client: ”Your rates are too high! I’ll do the design myself, and then you can do the implementation.”
Me: ”Okay, that’s fine, just send me the files when you’re finished.”
Client: ”Just one question- how many centimeters is a pixel?”
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THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Client: Hey, just one final question before I send the deposit. Do you use a PC or a MAC?
Me: I use a MAC.
Client: That is a problem. Do you have access to a PC? I am not a supporter of Apple products.
Me: No, I don’t have access to a PC, but this will have little to no effect on the work itself.
Client: I am a Christian and Apple products are sinful, I do not want our website to be created by a product made by this corrupt group. You need only look at their logo, an apple with a bite taken from it. Do you not know the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? If I allowed you to create my website on a MAC I would be just like Adam, taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.
[Silence]
“Take my advise, destroy your mac and repent for when judgement day comes. It shall be you who is cast to hell for your sins.”
Me: [Block Contact]
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Client: ”Can you make the ‘About Us’ link say ‘About Us – Everyone welcome’?”
Me: “Sure, but…why?”
Client: ”I’m afraid people might not know they’re allowed to click that link. They might think it’s private. We need them to know it’s okay for them to go there.”
Me: ”But none of the links on your site are private. Why are you concerned with that specific one?”
Client: “Good point. You’d better add ‘Everyone welcome’ to all the links on the site.”
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As told by an old school film editor, from the days when they actually handled film:
Client: ”What is your rate?”
Me: ”$50 per hour.”
Client: ”Can I come watch you?”
Me: ”Sure, for $100/hour.”
Client: ”What if I help you?”
Me: ”That would be $400 per hour.”
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Client: “That logo looks awesome, thanks! We’re going to go with that design.”
Me: “Great, I’ll put the high res files on a CD and drop it off to your office this afternoon, and you can write me a cheque for payment.”
Client: “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. We think that instead of “traditional” payment, we would like to put you on the Barter System.”
Me: “But you agreed to my costs weeks ago.”
Client: “Wouldn’t you like a new TV instead? We could get you one. Or maybe one of our other suppliers could fix your guttering or something?”
Me: ”I already have a TV, a new one isn’t going to feed my family. I think I’ll take a cheque as agreed.”
Client: “But the Barter System has been around, like, forever. You scratch my back, I scratch yours.”
Me: “Maybe I should try this Barter System. Tell you what, instead of paying me, you can come around to my house and cook me dinner every night for a month.”
Client: “…”
Me: “Hello?”
Client: ”So how much do I make the cheque out for?”
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Me: ”I will create a login box on your website. Once someone registers and logs in, the website will recognize who the shared_user is and provide relevant content.”
Client: ”That sounds great. However, instead of a login box I’d like to use biometrics to identify the shared_user.”
Me: ”Not sure what you mean.”
Client: ”When someone visits the website, I want them to be able to put their hand on the monitor. The monitor will then scan their hand to confirm who they are. I think that would be a lot more engaging. How much extra would that functionality cost?”
Me: ”Several hundred million dollars.”
Client: Why are you being a wiseass? Can you do it or not?
Me: ”No. Sorry. That’s a little too advanced.”
Client: ”Fine. I’ll try another web designer.”
Enjoy.
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“You mean every time you do work for us, you charge us?”
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Me: “Worst case scenario, you can just email the text in the body of an email.”
Client: ”I will print, scan to pdf and resend via email shortly.”
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“We need to talk about these alleged “invoices”
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“Can we have gold on our website, or will that cost us more?”
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Me: You don’t have a copy of the logo?
Client: No. I dunno. We lost it.
Me: Ok, then try contacting the designer who made your logo for you. I’m sure he won’t mind sending you another copy.
Client: No, no, we can’t let him know how to reach us.
Me: What? Why not?
Client: Because then we’d have to pay him!
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Me: “Have you had time to look over the proposal?”
Client: “We really like your illustration style, very artsy. But, we don’t feel you can put a price on art. So can you do it for free?”
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“We like this guy a lot. He’s perfect for the brochure. Can you make him African American?”
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“When the hell did a contract become somebig, official thing? It’s just a damn piece of paper!”
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“I keep looking at this website and it just isn’t blowing my skirt up for some reason. Can’t really explain why. Let’s start over.”
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“Why the heck should I pay for the domain of my company’s website? I own the company and I came up with the name!”
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“Just spray your creative juices all over it!”
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“Make it so when a shared_user clicks a link it disappears from the site so they know they already visited that page.”
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[Client flipping through some anime that I had drawn.]
Client: “These are really great.”
Me: “Would you like me to draw some anime for the site?”
Client: “What!? This isn’t a porn site!”
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“Please send me a reasonable estimate.”
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“I want something like Facebook. And don’t try to rip me off, I know that Facebook is free”
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“Please stop abbreviating “continue” to “cont.” It looks too much like “cunt.” Thanks.”
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“These stock images are way too expensive, please just remove the watermarks in Photoshop.”
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“I’ve made the site myself in Powerpoint and exported it to HTML. Could you convert it to Joomla?”
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Client: “Sometimes the cursor on our site is the standard arrow, and sometimes it is a hand.”
Me: “Yes, the hand appears when you mouseover a link.”
Client: “Well, we’ve discussed it, and we’ve decided that we’d like it to always be the hand.”
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[Client sent me some complex logos (as JPEGs) in order to vectorize them.]
Client: “What exactly is taking so long? If I knew it would take so long, I’d have done it myself.”
Me: “Vectorizing the logos takes some time because—”
Client: “Time? Renaming files from *.jpg to *.eps takes time?!”
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“I want a website that pops-up on peoples GPS systems when they drive by my store. Let’s take a range of 5km.”
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Client: “What’s my username?”
Me: “It’s your first name, a space and then your last name.”
Client: ”How am I supposed to remember that?”
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“The problem with you college students is that you always expect to get paid for the work that you do.”
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“How can I send my newsletter to customers who didn’t check “I want to receive the newsletter” ?”
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Me: “OK, let’s start by opening your web browser.”
Client: “Web browser? Oh, you mean Internet Explorer?”
Me: “Sure, that’ll work. Now you’re going to click on the web address window at the top of your browser and type in…”
Client: “Wait, wait, slow down. What do you mean by click?”
Me: “… like, click with your mouse button.”
Client: “Mouse button? What? Man, this is really confusing.”
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Client: “The website you designed looks great but my partner is here and she’s looking at it from across the room and it’s a bit difficult to read.”
Me: “From across the room?”
Client: “It looks better from across the table, but go ahead and take a look at what you can do to fix the issue.”
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My first phone conversation with a new client:
Client: ”I love your rough concept! And your estimate’s very reasonable, too — oh, I’m so glad I found you. I’ll be the best client ever, I promise!”
Me: ”Great! Glad you like it.”
Client: ”Do you want to have babies?”
Me: “Pardon?”
Client: ”A friend of mine’s single, she’s super cute and I think you’d get along great. She’s into art and stuff like you are. And she seriously wants kids. I can hook you guys up, seriously!”
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”We really love your portfolio and have decided to add you to our shortlist for the project. Please provide us with three logo concepts for next year’s release and three complete designs for the new model. Each design is to come with three different colour combinations too. Once we get everyone’s ideas, we’ll decide who we want to hire for the job.”
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Me: “Now, double-click on the little icon that says Internet Explorer.”
Client: “I can’t do that. I’m Christian. I don’t believe in icons.”
Me: “Fine then. Double-click on the little image that says Internet Explorer.”
Client: “Okay.”
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”It’s a poo fetish website. But it needs to be classy.”
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”I want you to design me something that will make people horny when they look at it.”
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Me: “Okay, so here are some rough concepts I’ve worked up. Once you’ve -“
Client (interrupting): “What the hell am I looking at? These look like scribbles my five-year-old could do.”
Me: “Oh, they’re just roughs to get the concept figured out, once we have that done I’ll begin work on the finished piece.”
Client: “How am I supposed to decide which illustration I like if I can’t see them all finished. Finish them and then I’ll decide which one to use.”
Me: “Well, I can certainly do that, but just so you’re aware, I will have to raise my fees to cover the cost of bringing each of these concepts to a finish.”
Client: “Who do you think you are to make demands?! I’m the client, I get to make the demands! It’s not like this is a real job anyway, all you’re doing is drawing.”
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Client: ”The site is looking great! However, I’m a bit confused. I thought you said the design was done.”
Me: ”Yep, the ‘visual’ design is complete. Was there something bothering you about it?”
Client: ”Oh no! The design is great, everyone loves it! However, it doesn’t seem to be finished. There are a bunch of pages that look wrong.”
Me: ”How so? Could you show me?”
[The client proceeds to click through his site and eventually comes to an external link that takes the shared_user to Amazon.com]
Client: ”This page looks nothing like our site.”
Me: ”[somewhat confused] That’s because it’s not your site.”
Client: ”But we just got here from our site. Can’t you make it look like ours?”
Me: ”I’m afraid not. That would be like walking over to your neighbor’s home and re-landscaping their yard and painting their house to match your own.”
Client: ”Oh…well that sucks.”
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Client: ”How much do you charge to install Windows on a computer?”
Me: “$85”
Client: ”Is it going to be legal?”
Me: ”Yes.”
Client: “How much do you charge for a pirated copy?”
Me: ”$10,000 or 10 years in prison.”
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”It’s kinda the same idea as facebook, with functionality more like Twitter, but with the innovation of Microsoft.”
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”It’s not clear what the shared_user should do with the check box.”
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While developing an affiliate website for one of our mobile network clients, my employer came over and reviewed the site we were building.
Boss: “I think we need to have some sort of avatar on the home page, to welcome the users to the site.”
Me: “Okay, no problem. Was there anything you had in mind?”
Boss: “Well since sex sells, I would like to have a slim, sexy cartoon woman holding a mobile phone.”
[I proceeded to create this sexy avatar.]
Me: “I’ve finished the avatar. Was this what you were after?”
Boss: “That’s nice but it’s not what I was after.”
Me: “Okay. What are you looking for then?”
[My Boss then loaded up his internet browser and Google searched an image of a small, chubby, animated duck holding a mobile phone.]
Me: “I thought you wanted a sexy woman?”
Boss: “I do.”
Me: “So you want a cross between a sexy woman and a fat, yellow duck?”
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Me: “Did you get the files I sent you?”
Client: “Yes, but they were huge!”
Me: “The files I sent you were well under the limit of something you could email.”
Client: “They were 122 mega bitmaps each.”
Me: ”They were both a little over 1MB, which is a fairly small file.”
Client: “I don’t care how many megabytes they were. It’s all thosebitmaps that are bringing my computer to its knees!”
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Me: “Well sir, the total for your new logo, business cards and menu designs is $350.”
Client: “Are you kidding me? The reason I chose a student designer was to get something cheap, plus help you out for your portfolio. I could have went to a professional and paid much less.”
Me: “Um, that’s not true. I spent a lot of time dealing with your daughter who insisted on multiple revisions to the logo, and you ended up with a look that everyone is pleased with. This same project might have cost you 10 times the amount I’m charging you. I think it’s a great deal.”
Client: “I highly doubt that. It’s just words and colors. Plus, our satisfaction has nothing to do with the amount we pay you. I’ll send you a check for what I think is fair.”
I got a check for 100 bucks. With “here you go asshole” written in the memo.
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Client: “This fax machine isn’t working properly.”
Me: “How so?”
Client: “Every time I put the paper in the one side and press ‘Send’ it comes right out the other side.”
Me: “How do you mean?”
Client: “Well, it’s not sending.”
Me: “Well, it doesn’t actually send the physical page, just a digital representation of it, like a picture.”
Client: “Isn’t that why it comes out all curled up?”
Me: “It’s magic.”
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Client: “What is going on with my website? It looks all wrong!”
Me: “It was working just fine yesterday, let’s take a look.”
Us: “Let’s take a look… (We download a page, check out the code). Well, it looks as if someone’s gone in and deleted some of the code that makes the site work.”
Client: “Yeah, that was me, I was getting rid of some of your unnecessary code… why isn’t the site working?”
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”I don’t want to print my brochure in CMYK, because it is more expensive and has one color more than RGB, so print it in RGB and I will save some money.”
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Me: “If you could send me a check or use Paypal, that’d be great.”
Client: “Well, I don’t really trust Paypal or like mailing checks out. Can you come pick it up in person?”
Me: “We’re 4 states apart and it’s a 12 hour drive…”
Client: “It’s a nice drive though! You’ll like it, I promise. See you tomorrow!”
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Boss charges into my office furiously, two days after the company site goes live.
Boss: “Carl just showed me that people can right-click our site and view all our code.”
Me: “Well, yes, that’s how web browsers work.”
Boss: “Take the whole thing down, now! I’ll be damned if I’m going to give our competitors all our god-damn code!”
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Client: “I want a way to track all the people that come to my site. Names, addresses, telephone numbers and cell phone.”
Us: “Well, there are some tools to capture visitor information but not to that level unless the viewer supplies that to you. They would have to register at the site and that kills page views.”
Client: “I don’t know why this is so fucking hard! You are the 5th firm to tell us that! Its fucking 2009, can’t anyone make the internet work right?”
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Client: “We want out home page to be very minimalistic. We like lots of white space, and only the most important elements. It should look like Google – basically, a logo and one or two other important things.”
Me: “Great! In that case, what would you consider to be the one or two most important things?”
Client: “Rotating article carousel, dropdown menus, power search, forum list, latest forum posts, member sign-up, news ticker, event countdown, testimonials, featured VIP member, RSS news feed, and four blocks of advertising.”
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Me: “Good afternoon, we’ve noticed that you haven’t paid the entire amount due on your bill.”
Client: ”We haven’t received an invoice.”
Me: ”Then how did a check show up with the invoice number on it in the memo field? We appreciate the timely payment, but it’s about 75 dollars short of the payment due.”
Client: ”You know this is a church group right? We don’t have to pay taxes, and you realize you go to hell for lying, right?”
Me: ”Well if you check the invoice, there is no sales tax applied, but you realize you go to hell for theft too, correct?”
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Designed a simple web banner for their etsy shop and a few days later…
Client: “The banner looks terrible its all fuzzy and you cant read it.”
Me: “Thats odd because Im looking at your etsy shop now and it looks great.”
Client: ”No not that one, I also had it printed into a 1.5 meter long banner to hang over my stall at the market. Looks horrible!”
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Client: I know you creative guys sometimes need “inspiration.” I really want my project to go well so I will get you the kind of inspiration you need, OK? Free of charge.
[It was revealed later in the meeting that he was suggesting that he would supply our designers with marijuana.]
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Client: “How come all the photos I took have the heads cut off?”
Me: “Hmm, Did you look though the view finder when you took them?”
Client: “I don’t know what that is. Can’t you just move the picture up so I can see their heads? I mean they’re digital pictures?”
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Client: I showed this logo to my daughter and she didn’t like it.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Client: Five.
Me: But your target audience is recovering drug addicts.
Client: Right.
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Client: “That’s way too much money to charge for an email campaign. It’s not hard to put a few graphics in an email.”
Me: “I charge based off of my regular hourly rate and that’s how long it will take to complete the project.”
Client: “Forget it. We’ll just do it in house. We have a copy of Dreamweaver.”
[Phone call 2 weeks later]
Client: “Can you talk for a second?”
Me: “Sure.”
Client: “OK. We made that email campaign, but I can’t figure out why all of the links take me to the unsubscribe page.”
Me: “I’m not sure. Is this a test email you’re talking about? I can finish the project for you based on my hourly rate.”
Client: “Well…no. We already sent it.”
The client sent an email campaign to a list of 74,000 customers with every link in the email being a one-click unsubscribe.
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Client: “I decided I want one of the illustrations you already did for my logo and I am going to use it for the background on my checks.”
Me: “A logo is usually a simple graphic used to represent your business, in your case, the book series and characters. The illustrations are a bit too detailed for that purpose. How about I simplify the characters and series title and create a logo?”
Client: “Why can’t you just shrink the picture down to the size of the check?”
Me: “The artwork is 12” square and proportionally will not work in a rectangle.”
Client: “Wait, hold on… you know I don’t understand you when you use those technical terms.”
Me: “By proportionally I mean…”
Client: “No not that word, the other one you said. It won’t work in a what?”
Me: “Rectangle?”
Client: “Yes.”
Me: “Um, a rectangle is the shape of your checkbook.”
Client: “Oh ok.”
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Client: ”I would like to commission you to draw a cover for my bands first album, and it goes on sale in September.”
Me: ”Congratulations, so what would you like for the cover?”
Client: “Something midevily, like a dragon and a woman wizard fighting, but in the night sky, and there like fighting a dwarf in a mech suit, like a Gundam. And make the moon in the sky on fire. That would be cool.”
Me: ”That seems like it would be an eye sore to me…”
Client: ”No, this idea would reflect our music perfectly, we agreed, and it’ll deffinitely get people to buy our stuff.”
Me: ”So what kind of music do you guys do?”
Client: ”Country.”
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Client: ”Your rates are too high! I’ll do the design myself, and then you can do the implementation.”
Me: ”Okay, that’s fine, just send me the files when you’re finished.”
Client: ”Just one question- how many centimeters is a pixel?”
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THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Client: Hey, just one final question before I send the deposit. Do you use a PC or a MAC?
Me: I use a MAC.
Client: That is a problem. Do you have access to a PC? I am not a supporter of Apple products.
Me: No, I don’t have access to a PC, but this will have little to no effect on the work itself.
Client: I am a Christian and Apple products are sinful, I do not want our website to be created by a product made by this corrupt group. You need only look at their logo, an apple with a bite taken from it. Do you not know the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? If I allowed you to create my website on a MAC I would be just like Adam, taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.
[Silence]
“Take my advise, destroy your mac and repent for when judgement day comes. It shall be you who is cast to hell for your sins.”
Me: [Block Contact]
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Client: ”Can you make the ‘About Us’ link say ‘About Us – Everyone welcome’?”
Me: “Sure, but…why?”
Client: ”I’m afraid people might not know they’re allowed to click that link. They might think it’s private. We need them to know it’s okay for them to go there.”
Me: ”But none of the links on your site are private. Why are you concerned with that specific one?”
Client: “Good point. You’d better add ‘Everyone welcome’ to all the links on the site.”
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As told by an old school film editor, from the days when they actually handled film:
Client: ”What is your rate?”
Me: ”$50 per hour.”
Client: ”Can I come watch you?”
Me: ”Sure, for $100/hour.”
Client: ”What if I help you?”
Me: ”That would be $400 per hour.”
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Client: “That logo looks awesome, thanks! We’re going to go with that design.”
Me: “Great, I’ll put the high res files on a CD and drop it off to your office this afternoon, and you can write me a cheque for payment.”
Client: “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. We think that instead of “traditional” payment, we would like to put you on the Barter System.”
Me: “But you agreed to my costs weeks ago.”
Client: “Wouldn’t you like a new TV instead? We could get you one. Or maybe one of our other suppliers could fix your guttering or something?”
Me: ”I already have a TV, a new one isn’t going to feed my family. I think I’ll take a cheque as agreed.”
Client: “But the Barter System has been around, like, forever. You scratch my back, I scratch yours.”
Me: “Maybe I should try this Barter System. Tell you what, instead of paying me, you can come around to my house and cook me dinner every night for a month.”
Client: “…”
Me: “Hello?”
Client: ”So how much do I make the cheque out for?”
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Me: ”I will create a login box on your website. Once someone registers and logs in, the website will recognize who the shared_user is and provide relevant content.”
Client: ”That sounds great. However, instead of a login box I’d like to use biometrics to identify the shared_user.”
Me: ”Not sure what you mean.”
Client: ”When someone visits the website, I want them to be able to put their hand on the monitor. The monitor will then scan their hand to confirm who they are. I think that would be a lot more engaging. How much extra would that functionality cost?”
Me: ”Several hundred million dollars.”
Client: Why are you being a wiseass? Can you do it or not?
Me: ”No. Sorry. That’s a little too advanced.”
Client: ”Fine. I’ll try another web designer.”
Registered User
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I actually had a client type something on the computer, print it out, write a note on it, scan it, and send it to me as a jpeg.
Single Turbod!!
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Client: “Sometimes the cursor on our site is the standard arrow, and sometimes it is a hand.”
Me: “Yes, the hand appears when you mouseover a link.”
Client: “Well, we’ve discussed it, and we’ve decided that we’d like it to always be the hand.”
wow
Me: “Yes, the hand appears when you mouseover a link.”
Client: “Well, we’ve discussed it, and we’ve decided that we’d like it to always be the hand.”
wow
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Car videos on my YouTube Channel (Subscribe please!):
http://www.youtube.com/user/FDfranklin
Car videos on my YouTube Channel (Subscribe please!):
http://www.youtube.com/user/FDfranklin
!!PORTUGAL!!
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Some ppl just don't get it. Lmao!
