I promise to be a critical thinker. However, if someone needs a good bitch slap, I won't hesitate.

I will repeal all sodomy laws immediately. Consenting adults should be allowed to do as they please in the privacy of their own homes. Even if it involves CriscoŽ and dwarfs.

I will kick Newt Gingrich's ass and send him home to Georgia.

Cool black Supreme Court robes for all White House visitors.

Anyone with a $20 spot can sleep in the Lincoln bedroom.

I will make being stupid against the law.

Free Red Rope licorice for everyone.

Any teenager caught showing their drawers at the top of their pants will be caned.

I will personally pay for all syndication costs of "Bay Watch."

All drivers license applications will require two signatures from professional drivers.